A recently released report from STU (South Timbuktu University) had the medical world buzzing with excitement. Researchers in the PI (Purposeless Inquiry) Department claimed to have designed and tested an advanced type of ‘Smarter’ wrist device that utilized Artificial Intelligence to outperform all others and featured a built-in lie detector. However, the excitement arose when the device advised a Beta tester that they had prostate cancer, a function the watch was not designed to do.
The tester immediately went to a hospital where they were rudely informed that this was not scientifically possible in a person who lacked male organs, and were sent away with a measure of scorn and derision leaving them seriously scarred.
The following week the would-be patient sued the hospital for $15,000,000 in damages, claiming insufferable anguish due to the humiliation of being called ‘madam’ by a male nurse with breasts. The hospital countersued for 20 million dollars claiming that the patient’s attitude to the nurse caused said nurse to have a nervous breakdown, leaving the hospital short staffed, since they were the sole qualified nurse filling that role under the rules for gender equality in transsexual nursing.
The watch was sent to a testing lab in California where it was determined that the device could cause prostate cancer in mice. With this new evidence the patient counter-counter-sued for thirty million dollars and ten cents, noting the 10 cents was symbolic of the pain and suffering of mice.
In a counter-counter-counter suit, the hospital offered to donate one hundred dollars to a mouse centered charity and to remove the patient’s prostate at no cost under the condition that they appear in a hospital sponsored TV ad for drug addiction treatment that offered one free session with a board certified beautician and a bus ticket to the next county.
The patient settled for prostate removal, along with the free beauty consultation and a bus ticket, and was able to go home immediately after surgery with their prostate in a sealed metal container marked with a warning that it had to be buried six feet underground. The “Smarter Watch ™” device was returned to STU-PID for further testing where it was determined that the lie-detection function was wired in reverse. One co-inventor stated that they were tweaking it and expected that the second generation would be more accurate.
nathanguitars 